Hi, I’m thirty and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life! I don’t feel chill about it!
Let me rewind a bit.
Right now, my husband is in the middle of nursing school and I work to support both of us. This is an exciting time for us, or at least I’ve been told that it should be. Turns out it has been harder than I expected.
I don’t think it’s the money aspect, exactly. I make enough money for us to be comfortable, although we have to be more frugal than we used to, and I can even save a little every month. (For a 30- and 35-year-old living in Chicago in 2018, this feels like a huge fucking accomplishment.)
It’s more that right now, we’re in a state of limbo. JD has about two more years of school left, at which point we can…do…something else? We will have an enormous moment of opportunity the second he’s licensed and starts getting job offers, and right now those options are both endless and unknowable.
We could stay right here–there are a ton of hospitals, we love our neighborhood and our friends, I have a job that could really go somewhere. This would be fine.
We could move across the country, maybe to Boston or somewhere in the Rockies or the PNW (note to self: need to visit the PNW before considering a move there).
We could move to Canada or somewhere in the EU, because if you’re going to take a leap, why not a huge one?
So yes, kind of exciting. We’re not yet at the stage where we could start making any decisions, though. Meanwhile, honestly, I haven’t spent nearly enough time figuring out what I want.
I’ve been going along with this plan for the last few years, and now I’m realizing how aimless it’s made me feel. And it’s not because it’s a bad plan. I’m so proud of my husband and I’m glad I can help him become who he wants to be. It’s just that I’ve lost myself in the midst of it. While he’s busy and focused on his schoolwork, I have nothing much to do other than keep making the money and wait for the day to come when we can make a decision about our future. I don’t have a big project to focus on; I’m in a bit of a creative slump. The writing work I really want to do seems impossible. Things are just a tad too comfortable in my day-to-day life, and I’ve become restless and antsy and bored, but with little motivation to do anything about it.
Oh, and then this: I found two new moles on my body recently (not the scary kind, the regular kind, but they weren’t there before!). One of my fingernails is all bent and misshapen, and when I look at it I’m reminded of my grandmother’s hands. A few days ago I spent an hour stretching on the floor because my body hurt. Do you see what I mean? AGE IS UPON ME, AND I’M NOT OKAY WITH IT.
So that’s where I am. I think I’ll come out of it pretty soon–I hope–but I’m not quite done wallowing. Life is unfair in that sometimes all you want to do is lie in bed and play Design Home on your phone, but the precious seconds are ticking by and eventually you have no time at all left to do the things you REALLY wanted to do.